For the next half hour as the group in the house was absorbed watching old movies on television, Pierce and McIntyre carefully drained quite a lot of gasoline from the car into an empty fuel can.
Hawkeye leaned in the doorway. "Uh, Charles, might we have a word with you?"
"What for?"
"We just need your opinion on something."
Puzzled, Charles followed Hawkeye outside. "What could you be needing?"
"In all the planning for this assembly, I forgot something important. Wine. I was telling Trapper here about your expertise in that field. Do you remember the big house you passed about a half mile down the road?" Charles nodded, and Hawkeye continued. "Well, old Dr. Balinger, the pharmacist lives there and he has a superb wine cellar. He said he'd let us have some for today and I forgot it. He's a real nice guy. I'd go, but I need to get more wood in. See that sky? It might snow soon."
Trapper chimed in. "Yeah, we've been out here talking over old times and not doing that chore. Either of us would go, but as Hawkeye has said, we don't know about things like that as you do."
"Okay, Pierce, I'll go, for if I do not I'm sure I shan't hear the end of it from either of you." Charles let out an exasperated sigh. He missed the triumphant look that passed between Hawkeye and Trapper when getting into the vehicle. Still, he was a little leery of this idea, but didn't know what they could be up to. So thought to go ahead and find out. "Margaret's taking a nap, if she wakes before I return, tell her I'll be right back."
"We sure will, and if someone else went and got the wine, we'd never hear the end of it from you."
Trapper and Hawkeye both staved off bursting into laughter until Charles was out of the driveway. Then both began to howl.
B.J. wandered out. "What's so funny? And where did Charles go?"
"To run a simple errand."
"That might take him longer than expected."
"Meaning? What did you two do?"
Between guffaws of laughter, Hawkeye and Trapper filled B.J. in on the little prank they had successfully gotten off on Charles.
"You both think you're smart? I know one thing, not only are you going to have to face Charles, you two better think of something clever when Margaret hears of this." B.J. was torn between wanting to be in on the joke himself, and wanting to be on Charles' side in it. "And there's Winchester himself, because you know he will get even, or better yet, ahead."
"He's right, ya know," Trapper turned to Hawkeye. "But it's funny even for this short time!"
"Think we better go find him? I wonder if he's stalled out yet?"
"Hawkeye, he's running on near fumes."
Hunnicutt shook his head. "You can believe he's the one fuming now."
"We can take my dad's truck. Get the gas can, he'll probably be needing it." Hawkeye snickered, then yelled for B.J. "You coming?"
"No, I think I better stay here and smooth things over with Margaret when she gets wind of it."
Watching them leave out of the driveway, he couldn't help but snicker at the thought of not only the dilemma they put Charles in, but the revenge Winchester would get. It had to be coming. B.J.'s idea of being the messenger began to sour when he heard others come from the house.
"What's up? Where are they going?"
He pasted on a smile before responding to Louise McIntyre's question. B.J. tried to keep that expression when he saw that Margaret, Amanda and Peg had joined her. "It's like this, ladies..." He hesitated, but went on when Radar, Patty, and the Potters came out to see what was going on. "And gentlemen.."
"Something fun going on out here?" Potter glanced around at everyone.
Margaret noticed the space where their car once was. "Where's the car?"
"You're up. Have a nice nap?" Taking a deep breath, Hunnicutt explained to Margaret, Peg and the others the events that had just transpired.
"Of all the asinine, juvenile.. No, wait, this isn't juvenile. Becky and Kathy.. Erin.. have more maturity than this.. this.. stupidity. More of it than I've ever accused them of! I don't believe they'd pull something like this.. now.." She was ready to bite nails. "What if they don't find him? It's getting colder."
"Hilarious horse hockey! Margaret ya gotta admit, that's a pretty ingenious prank to get off on your spouse. I'd like to see his face when the car conks out." Potter's words were met with a hard frown from Margaret. Mildred hadn't a much nicer expression for him, either.
"Listen, I don't think he would have gotten too far, by what they said, he was pretty much running on fumes. So they should see him..."
"You're not helping very much," Peg told B.J. before trying to soothe Margaret. "You don't need to get upset now. They're bringing him back."
On the nearly deserted road leading toward town, Hawkeye and Trapper spotted a lone vehicle in the distance pulled off to the side.
"Man, he got further than I thought."
"Since we haven't passed him yet, do you think he's gone ahead and is walking to town?"
"Don't think so, Trap," Hawkeye pointed at the figure leaning against the car, arms folded in front of him. He crept the pickup along side of Charles.
"Howdy, need some help? Some gas, maybe?" Trapper offered brightly. Charles said not a word. McIntyre handed him the fuel can. He didn't take it right away. "Honest, this is your gasoline, and nothing else."
"We promise, Charles." Hawkeye assured him.
When Winchester reluctantly emptied the can into his gas tank, try as they might, neither Pierce or McIntyre could keep a straight face for long, and eventually burst into peals of laughter. Charles was the only one not laughing. The two former Captains finally stopped with the guffaws at Winchester's dangerous, icy sneer he threw over his shoulder.
"I'm supposing you really do not need that wine?"
"Uh, no, we don't today. Trapper has brought several bottles. Hope there's some to your liking."
"We'll see, but I sincerely doubt it." Charles shook his head, and shoved the can back at Pierce.
"Looks like we're all set." Hawkeye put the can back in the truck. "We'll follow you to make sure you get back to the house safe and sound."
"You think I trust you behind me? No. You two go on, I'll follow you." He slammed the door shut after getting in, then rolled down the window. "This is given that you two cretins didn't do anything else to this vehicle." Both Hawkeye and Trapper assured him that they had not, and promised that the gas tank was all they had tampered with.
Once reaching the Pierce driveway, neither jokesters were eager to face the hostile-looking crowd that had gathered in the yard.
"Hey, Margaret," Trapper got out of the pickup. "See, it's okay now, we brought.. oww.." His words were cut off when without missing a beat as she walked past, Margaret shoved McIntyre back against the truck with one hand. He helplessly turned to Louise. "Did you see that? I thought.."
Louise had no sympathy for her husband. "I'd have given you worse. That wasn't the brightest thing to do."
"But it was the best we could think of at the time." Trapper tried to laugh again, but Louise wasn't buying it. He pulled her into a hug, and looked down at her. "True, it wasn't too nice, but fun."
"Was that good, or was that good?" Hawkeye sheepishly announced to the crowd, and zeroed in on Amanda. He quickly followed her inside.
Margaret rushed to where Charles had pulled the car up and got out. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I don't want to worry over it right now. But you? Did this upset you in any way?"
"I'm fine, we're fine," she patted her stomach. "Though, it does frustrate me. That must have been..."
"Let's not dwell on it." Charles stopped her from making any more protests and indicated they go on in the house. "I'm fine as well, nothing to be concerned with. It all worked out. Just some of Pierce's and that McIntyre's tomfoolery. They must have been quite the malevolent pair at the 4077th."
"No, you hold up," she flared back around. "I know you, you will retaliate."
"Perhaps, but first, may we get back inside? It is getting rather chilly out here." But Margaret wasn't ready to let it drop yet. So Charles had no choice. "Are you going to get indoors or do I carry you in?"
"You wouldn't. Please don't think of getting re.." was as far as Margaret got for in one smooth move, Charles had his wife scooped up in his arms and was carrying her up the steps and through the door.
At the sight of that, Hawkeye had to tease. "You can just picture them on their honeymoon." Margaret didn't fight it when he gently deposited her into a chair.
"I know you've got revenge in mind." B.J. joined Charles in the den after lunch. "My question is, do you know specifically how you want to go about it?"
He perused the volumes in the little Pierce library. "Hunnicutt, what ever are you talking about?"
"Don't give me that. Now, what do you have cooking?"
"Funny you should mention 'cooking.'" Charles lowered his voice and leaned in. He explained to B.J. that he'd seen some canned peppers in the kitchen earlier and was sure there would be vinegar somewhere around. Thus a mixture of that could be made.
"I'm following, and use it to give Dr. Pierce and Dr. McIntyre a holiday dinner they won't soon forget?" Charles nodded at B.J.'s deduction. "One thing, you know Hawkeye, he's got to smell everything he puts on his plate. Will the scent of the pepper juice and vinegar give it away?"
"We'll have to come up with something that might mask the odor. Any suggestions?" Charles asked, then raised his voice when Hawkeye and Trapper came into the room. "Any suggestions on new parenting, since you've been through it before?"
"It never fails," Hawkeye said as he and Trapper sat down. "You get a couple of doctors or in their case, expectant fathers together for anything and they're going to talk shop."
As the afternoon wore on, Charles and B.J. had managed to get into the bustling kitchen without much aroused suspicion. Winchester made it out with a small jar of canned peppers and Hunnicutt found a jug of vinegar in the pantry. They met up just outside the kitchen's back door.
"Any ideas what can we put this together in?"
"Found this on a shelf in the pantry," B.J. produced a small bottle, almost empty of vanilla extract.
"Hope they don't miss it today." Charles poured out the remaining dark brown liquid.
B.J. had to laugh. "If this works, we'll get them a new bottle of the stuff."
As delicately as they had used a scalpel, the two retaliators precisely got the condiments back into their proper places without detection. Which wasn't simple, given the activity the kitchen had seen all day.
Everyone had taken part in assembling the massive celebratory dinner. Hawkeye Pierce and his dad, Daniel had three of the biggest turkeys in all of Maine, while the others brought their respective goodies from home as well.
The leaves had been placed back into the table, making it into one long row. All the ones that had been stationed at the 4077th were reminiscent how it was all too similar of the mess tent tables. Another smaller table was set up just for the younger crowd.
"I hate to start without Soon-Lee, Max and the kids." Mildred voiced as she passed others who came to and from the kitchen.
Peg shared the feeling. "We all do. But it can't be helped. We can only hope they understand us going ahead with the dinner, if they do make it in."
Once every inch of the table was filled and everyone had gotten into their places, Daniel broke through the chatter of the group. "Father Mulcahy, if you would be so kind."
"Sure, of course," the Father was about to begin grace when there was a knock at the door, then it was abruptly opened.
"The Klinger clan!" Hawkeye jumped over to greet Maxwell Q. and Soon-Lee and the twins, Alexander and Alisa. "We'd about given up on you!"
"Our flight from Korea was delayed and..." Klinger began. "Then the drive from Ohio was more hectic than half-price hotdog day at a Mudhens game."
Alex piped in. "We were goin' faster than th' plane."
"Tell 'em about gramma's kimchee, daddy." Alisa tugged at her dad's hand.
"Oh, that. It wasn't nothing I..."
"My parents gave us a couple of containers of it to bring here," Soon-Lee explained to the group "And one spilled out. Not very salvageable. But the other is still sealed up tight."
Undetected by anyone else, B.J. and Charles exchanged inquisitive looks. They knew the kimchee, with it's already pungent aroma would fit the bill nicely, especially with Hawkeye Pierce's overactive sense of smell.
"'Daddy.'" Hawkeye nudged Klinger with a big grin. "I love that."
"Yeah, ain't it great!" Klinger smiled a proud papa smile. "Anyhow, we want you all to try it, Soon-Lee's folks make the best!" He beamed. "Hey, nice turkeys! If you'd let me know, I coulda made a great deal on some birds!"
The rest looked on in question when Hawkeye, B.J., Potter, Fr. Mulcahy, Charles and Margaret shouted "No! That's okay," in unison.
"Thanks alot you guys!"
"C'mon, Klinger, don't worry about it," Hawkeye said as he and B.J. got the new arrivals set up at the tables.
"Again, Father, if you please."
"Dear Lord, we give thanks for this day, for all who have gathered here. To the families we have back home, be with them also on this day. Also, as we reminisce of the time years ago, let us rejoice for those who made it home, and solemnly recollect those and the respective families, including our comrades, who did not. Thank you for the bounty you have put before us, as we remember those less fortunate. In our Lord Jesus Christ's name, we pray, amen." A chorus of amen rang out around the table.
The grand dinner was a happy time. Great conversation and food. With a touch of maliciousness abound.
"What do you think of this wine?" Trapper presented a bottle to Charles.
"1945 Chateau Petrus Pomerol, Bordeaux, hmmm..." Charles started to say something more, glanced at Margaret then back to McIntyre. "It can be quite nice."
"Hey, Hawk, our wine connoisseur approves."
"Well done, Charles, we didn't think you'd like anything after today, even if it was presented to you on a silver platter by the Queen of England."
"It just goes to show you, Pierce. I can learn to appreciate what even the minions have to offer." As both Hawkeye and Trapper laughed that one off, Charles and B.J. made ready their scheme.
B.J. was first. Closer to Hawkeye, he was able to gracefully lean near Hawkeye's plate and dump a good measure of the vinegar-pepper sauce combo on his serving of kimchee. His part completed, Hunnicutt matter-of-fact requested Charles to pass the bowl of english peas. In doing so, he was able to switch the bottle to Charles' hand.
"McIntyre, let me see that wine again." After Charles had filled his glass with it, he handed it back and made as though he had to steady the bottle on the crowded table. At the distraction, in went the vinegar-pepper sauce to Trapper's kimchee. Winchester nodded at B.J. upon success. Then it was the waiting game. The best part was to come, the priceless scene of Pierce's and McIntyre's facial expressions at the first bite of the cabbage. That transformation was hilarious.
"Will you excuse me?" Hawkeye abruptly got up from the table and to everyone's consternation, bolted for the kitchen.
"Me too, please," Trapper followed suit.
"I wonder what's that all about?" Louise started to get up from the table and go check on them. Before she could do so, both Pierce and McIntyre came back out, a little damp from trying to drink the kitchen faucet dry.
"Everything's fine. Good kimchee, Klinger, Soon-Lee." Hawkeye said with a bit of sarcasm.
"Thanks, it sure is." Klinger boasted. It was then that Hawkeye and Trapper saw that everyone else had eaten at least some of the pickled cabbage and were having no reactions as themselves had done.
Then they noticed something else. The keen, triumphant looks of B.J. and Charles. Plus the little snickering that went on between them. How had they perpetrated the deed, and with only Pierce and McIntyre as the recipients? They weren't sure they would ever know.
Someone else didn't have to notice to know. Margaret leaned in with Charles to whisper. "Details?"
"Nothing they did not deserve."
She couldn't help a sly smile. "I'll leave it at that for now." Then quickly kissed him before she straightened up in her chair.
The next day which was before everyone was to head back to the respective homes, was spent taking in the glorious fall scenery around Crabapple Cove. Then it was back to the Pierce house for a leisurely afternoon and one last night in Maine for most of them.
"Take a walk with me?" Hawkeye whispered to Amanda while everyone piled from the cars. "We haven't had hardly any time together. Please."
"I suppose so." She answered and let him tuck her hand in his arm.
"That's lovely." Mildred Potter chimed at the sight of Hawkeye and Amanda.
Daniel stepped up beside her. "Would you like a walk as well?"
"If she wants to, it'll be with me." Sherman Potter took his wife's hand. Mildred went for a walk with her husband, but she did enjoy the little rivalry she had been in the middle of.
Late that afternoon, Hawkeye, Trapper and B.J. sat in the den and enjoyed hot buttered rum, made plentiful by the huge thermos they had filled to the brim with it. "Gotta make a toast. Our last night, maybe our last time ever getting all together like this. I can't imagine it like that, but you never know. I can't tell you what it has meant to have all of us here like this, the world!" Hawkeye looked back and forth between Trapper and B.J. "Thanks guys, I do love you alot."
"I think we both kind of tolerate you, too." Trapper winked at B.J.
"Cute, real cute. Just a minute, someone's missing. Hold on." He hurried from the room.
Then returned with a protesting Charles. "What dastardly deed are you going to get me with now, Pierce?"
"A toast." Hawkeye refilled his and Winchester's mugs of the rum.
"Are we all properly assembled?"
"Are all our parts here?"
"For this toast, yes. Although we deeply love all who are in the other rooms of this house, some more than others, I wanted this one to be for the men of the Swamp." Pierce urged them to lift their cups. Hunnicutt, Winchester and McIntyre looked at each other and gave agreeing shrugs. "It is our last night here together, hopefully we can meet like this in the future. But I want to concentrate on this time, now. Also.. hey, I know I'm being long-winded, but hang on, this is important." He snapped when the rest indicated sleepiness, boredom, and the like in tease. "Thank you for being here, what you have brought to my life. More than big feet, egos the size of this whole state, and other various oddities, thanks."
The four men lifted and lightly tapped the mugs together before taking a sip to complete the toast. While they did so, a hearty round of laughter poured in from the next room.
"One last one." Hawkeye motioned for them to relift the cups. "To us, and to them. May it be like this always. Either in person or in spirit."
The clink of porcelain was drowned out by the warmth and sincerity of the smile on each face.
The End. :)
(Update): The following year in 1958 saw many events take place for the folks of the 4077th. On February 10th, the Winchesters welcomed Kimberly Jessica; nearly four months later, on May 27th, the Hunnicutts welcomed James Benjamin; and the Klingers were expecting again. Radar and Patty finally set the date for sometime that fall, while Hawkeye and Amanda were still conducting their long-distance courtship.
